And Never Brought to Mind
by Pterobat
Summary: Ryou Bakura must confront the strange feelings of loss upon the departure of his dark self, and his attraction to Yugi.


**And Never Brought to Mind**

He stared at the telephone, got up, paced for a bit, then sat back down on the stool. It should be easy. He had rehearsed it in his head and the outline didn't give away too much, but still there was fear, hesitation. He needed to get himself back, return to life. It was all his now, did he wish to seem ungrateful?

They had never called, seeming to forgot him when not seeing him, not inviting him along on their little jaunts. But it was not callousness which drove them away, but knowing that he could not be separated from that threat. He should not blame them for that, it was only sensible.

And now there was no more reason to fear, was there? If called on their exclusionism, they would be mortified; they probably had not stopped caring for _him_. And that other thing, well, it wasn't really something to tell. Even now such things could destroy friendships, even if they weren't, he thought, intrinsically bad.

So these patterns had to stop. It wasn't that living alone gave him too much opportunity to ruminate. Rather, he had let this happen, first feeling sorry for himself, now just paralyzed, wanting badly to talk but afraid of what it would mean: ingratitude, cowardice, evil within himself, _of_ himself and no other.

It was almost sunset. It would be too late now, another day gone.

_No. This time I will not._

He grabbed the receiver and entered the number with quick stabs of his finger, trying not to think about it.

"Turtle Game shop, how can I help you?"

It was Yugi's grandfather. Surprisingly, Bakura did not back away. "Hello. Is Yugi there, please?"

"Yes, Yugi's here. Who is this?"

"B-Bakura. Ryou Bakura." Had he ever told them his first name? He couldn't remember. Bakura licked his lips, ran his free hand through his hair. "I am a...school friend of Yugi's."

"I'll get him for you."

It hurt to wait.

"Bakura?"

He tried desperately to read the voice, hoping there really was nothing frightened or cynical in it. "Yugi I need...I want to talk to you. Please. Any time you can would be fine with me."

"...Sure." He sounded uncertain, at least. "Anything in particular?"

"If it's all right I don't want to share it over the telephone."

"Oh, that's fine. How about this Sunday? The shop's closed then."

Bakura glanced at his watch, having temporarily forgotten the date. The tiny notation said that it was Wednesday evening. He would make himself hold out until then. "That would be fine. Would you like to come here, or may I go to your house?"

"Well, uh, what would you prefer?" Yes, Yugi could sense his distress. Maybe that would make things easier.

Quickly he weighed the pros and cons. "Your house, if you don't mind."

"Oh, Grandpa won't have any problem with that. My friends are always dropping by."

Something clenched in his chest. "Sunday it is, then. Yugi..."

"Yes?"

Bakura swallowed. "How are you doing? I mean, after all this?"

"It was something that Atem needed to do, and I was happy to help him. Sometimes it does hurt, but thinking about that need makes the pain go away." Yugi paused. "What about you?"

"I would prefer to talk with you in person. Just be assured that he _is_ gone, and I'm thankful that you freed me. It's just that, in a way I...miss him." He had to drop the receiver, or pretend it was a sick joke. He had revealed too much, too quickly. "I-I despised him, and yet..." Not now! He was being foolish.

"It's okay, Bakura. In fact, I'm coming over right now. I'll just tell Mom to save some dinner for me."

"No, it's all right, you really don't need to­­­­--"

"I do. Okay?"

"Y-yes. Thank you. Goodbye."

As he hung up, he realized that he was blushing.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Would Yugi bring the others? He wanted to know what they would say, but right now Yugi was more important.

The sound of the buzzer made him jump, and he almost stumbled on the way to the call button. "Yes?" Who else could it be?

"Hi, Bakura, it's me. I'm coming up."

"Sure."

And a few minutes later there he was. Bakura wasn't at first conscious of staring, but recovered himself with no fumbling. "Welcome. Come in, won't you?"

Yugi did not look at all pained, and for a moment he was jealous. How did such things happen, that Yugi had been able to recover from the loss of someone he loved, and he was weakened by the loss of someone he hated? But he managed to push it all away.

"I'm sorry, I should have checked to see if you were okay. You seemed happy enough, so I guess I thought that you were, but when you didn't come to see us, I should have noticed something."

"It's perfectly all right. And I was quite happy, at the time. But now it hurts to be separated, leaves me feeling empty, and I don't understand why.

"You...there's not getting around it...you had to have shared the same heart, too, and when something so entrenched's been taken away, there's going to be some pain." Yugi looked down at the floor, but then up again. "And you feel that it means more than that, right?"

"Yes. I worry that it means I somehow want him back." He was only trembling a bit, thankfully. "It's vile."

"It's all right, Bakura. You can't help what happened to you, or how you reacted. If you're scared it means you _aren't_ like him. It won't be easy to get used to it, but we'll help you."

Bakura swallowed. "It is...I thank you. Especially after the trouble that he caused."

Yugi shrugged. "Aw, we don't hold it against you. How could we? But if there's one thing I _can_ say, it's that I'm sorry. We left you alone, almost like we ignored you. I can't explain it, but we don't have any excuse."

"It was only a pragmatic way of thinking. If I had no control over him, then why should you have put yourselves at risk? Besides, I was...after the finals. I somehow...lost myself. I didn't want to see anyone, and it felt as if I were slowly fading away." He shivered.

Yugi touched his shoulder, making Bakura jump. He hated the strength of the warmth he felt. Now wasn't the time, if indeed his feelings were real.

"You're still here," said Yugi. "If you survived having him in your mind, and being fed to the shadows, and didn't go crazy, it means there's still hope for you. And you know what else? It means you're strong. Even though you feel it differently, it's true." Yugi's hand tightened slightly. "And we're all going to make sure that you remember it."

It was only common courtesy, but here it felt so grand, so humbling, likely exaggerated by his own experiences. All food tasted heavenly to one who had been starving. "Yugi, I..."

"How much did you tell your family?"

"Nothing, I'm afraid. There is just my father now, but he's away at digs most of the time, and if I had, he would probably have thought I was mad. Though I will have to make up some explanation for where the Millennium Ring has gone." He chuckled, forced and nervous.

"Maybe he could talk to Grandpa."

"Yes, I think that would be best. Father has never spoken of how he feels on such things, but he's quite accommodating."

"Well, now you'll have someone to be with."

Bakura fell around Yugi, embracing him and pulling him up off the ground, holding him tight, wanting to breathe in his scent. The room grew hot, and Bakura released him quickly. They stared at each other.

"Sorry, I was just feeling a bit...overwhelmed." Bakura rubbed the back of his neck.

"Bakura, do you..."

He had to hazard a guess. "Maybe. I don't really know. Before, I thought I might have felt this way only because you had something I wanted."

"Huh?"

"You had control, stability, an other self who loved and protected you, whom you could talk with, at least know what he was doing. And you're strong, while I, _well_, you can see for yourself." He sounded too bitter.

"I'm not offended, Bakura. I mean, I'm starting to think that I like _both_. Heh. Now, you going to be okay by yourself tonight?"

Bakura managed to smile. "I really should be looking forward to it".

They just stood facing each other.

"Um, listen, why don't you come over to my house? I'm sure we'd love to have you, and it can't be good just eating alone."

"Oh, ah, sure. Thank you very much, Yugi."

"Aw, you don't have to be so formal, Bakura. It's the least I could do."

"All right. Well, then, let's go." And he was already feeling better.

"Oh, and Grandpa already knows about the real you. There's not going to be any trouble."

--------------------------------------------------------------

"It's weird, you know?" Yugi had so far been quiet during the walk, and he sounded a little ashamed to talking, as if it were detracting from him. But Bakura didn't mind; he had no idea what to say, either. "I'm starting to feel like everything that's happened has been some kind of dream. Not that...okay, it's hard to explain. My friends, what Atem gave me, that's real. But I also look at my memories and wonder, 'did I really do that'? Did I use card games to do _that_?"

"Mm." Bakura rolled his shoulders; he should have brought a jacket, or a sweater. Ah, well, they'd be at the shop soon.

"I'm sorry Bakura, I don't know what else to talk about."

"Oh, no, that's perfectly fine. After all, there's more to life than just my moping."

"We'll all help bring you out of it. That's a promise."

"I would expect nothing less."

They took the back entrance up to the living quarters. "Mom? We've got someone new coming for dinner, if that's okay."

Mrs. Mutou's voice came back. "That's fine, Yugi. Who is it?"

"It's Bakura, Mom." Yugi lowered his voice as he went farther inside, taking off his shoes. "You haven't met him before, but I'll introduce you."

She suddenly appeared in the doorway, ladle in one hand. Her hair was the same colour as the border on Yugi's, and she wore typical housewife clothes. Bakura stopped for a moment, lost in a greater, older pain than his present one, but it disappeared soon enough, leaving a short pause as its only clue. "Hello."

Yugi's grandfather also shuffled into the room, but there was no sign of anything suspicious in the old man's demeanour, and he and Bakura exchanged greetings as if they'd never met before. "It's a little sudden," Solomon said, "but I'm sure that we can make room for one more."

"Oh, really, whatever you have will be fine."

At dinner, they wanted to know more about him.

"I just transferred here recently. Yugi and I share the same passions." Oops. He should have phrased that one differently.

"Games," said Megumi and Solomon together.

"Yes, but I'm not as much into Duel Monsters as the rest of them are." He was wearing his favourite Monster World t-shirt. "I prefer tabletop games, but will try anything, really."

Yugi's mother looked surprised. "Oh? But weren't you one of the ones who finished in the top eight in that Battle City tournament?"

"Er...that was before I lost interest. Such things cannot last forever, you know."

"Heh. It's amazing how easily two duelists can become friends out of the ring."

"Oh, come on, Dad, it's not like it's part of their entire life. Not like those crazy boys that Yugi played against. I swear, I don't know what's wrong with kids these days--Ah. So what's your family like, Bakura? Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

He explained his home situation to them, something which he'd never told even Yugi and the others. His mother and sister had died several years ago, leaving only his father and himself.

Megumi looked concerned. "But don't you get lonely there all by yourself?"

"Well, I'm old enough now to be on my own, and his job is very important to my father. It's more than a job, really. It's his passion. And he's no more colder for all of that."

"Did you ever run into him when you were in the field, Dad?"

Solomon Mutou shook his head.

After everything was cleaned up, Yugi announced that he and Bakura were going to Yugi's room. Halfway up the stairs, Yugi turned to Bakura, smiling, and said, "You're looking a little red."

Bakura looked away. "Oh. Um, sorry about that."

"I was just kidding. I told you, I'm not offended. You're a nice guy, Bakura, it's just that I don't think I'm ready to do that."

"And you've a crush on Téa."

Now it was Yugi's turn to blush. "Wh-How'd you know that?"

Bakura allowed himself to smile. "It's obvious to anyone."

"Er, okay." Yugi went up the rest of the short staircase. "Mom knows about me. Not just, you know, about what I like, but this entire thing."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But she doesn't like to let on. It's not that she doesn't believe us, it's just that it's shaken her up a lot. She's the kind of person who likes only to believe in what she can see, and since she never actually met Atem, but she trusts me and Grandpa, it's a bit of a sticky issue for her."

The upstairs had other small rooms, which Yugi demonstrated as their respective bedrooms, a bathroom, and an all-purpose one filled with some junk and a table. The ceiling was low, and inside Yugi's room was a skylight. "So just make yourself at home. You don't have to leave right away."

"Thank you."

Yugi closed the door. "So that was your family, huh? It must have been rough."

He'd said much the same thing downstairs. "Yes. But I do not...wish to be pitied for it. It happened many years ago."

He looked at Bakura's shirt. "And, hey, I didn't know you were into Monster World. Is that your favourite class?"

"Mm-hm. The White Wizard." Although lately he hadn't been feeling all that good and pure, some deeper part of him had tenaciously held onto that affection. "Would you like to come over and play sometime? I'm sure that I can dig up my board."

"You haven't played?"

"Not for a while. I had other things on my mind."

"Mm. So what was it like? Were you...conscious? Did you know what he was doing?"

"I could put the pieces together. He only spoke to me just after I'd become aware, and often I would black out and not remember what he'd done, such as during the finals, but I remembered the first Shadow Game I played with you, just pretended not to; it was better that way. I had owned the Ring for years, but was never quite aware of him until I met you and your friends. But I do not blame you. It was the workings of fate."

"Did he ever...hurt you?"

"Not directly. He needed my body in good condition, and none of my mental resistance amounted to anything so there was no need to use psychological warfare to wear it down. But I grew worried about the conditions, wondering what he'd been doing, where I ended and he began, and if we were one and the same. I hated him so much."

"Bakura, even if he was your past self, and I'm not saying there's any proof--"

Besides having the same name, similar looks, even family tragedy? Bakura had seen it all long before they ever had, in nightmares that he'd known had been real.

"--you still know who you are, and what you want; you're under no obligation to be who you were before. The only thing that matters is who you are now, and that's a good person. You'll see. Tomorrow you'll go to school and we'll show you that we're not afraid of you."

He couldn't help himself; he clasped Yugi's hand and brought it up before himself. It was melodramatic, and his eyes were stinging a little. But he wouldn't cry and fall to his knees like that. He was a better person. He would be believing it soon enough. He had to.

They played several other games together, avoiding Duel Monsters, but he let Yugi tell him of their adventures, saying that he didn't want to avoid hearing about his other self and what he had possibly done, though with the Zorc issue it was unclear. They both teared up a bit when recalling Atem's departure, but Bakura told Yugi that the nobility in Atem was one that Yugi could easily aspire to, making him embarrassed.

Later Yugi's mother drove him home, saying nothing about the two being up so late on a school night. Bakura watched the lights flash by as she drove. Well, that was it then. He'd escaped with enough of his dignity and all of his reputation intact, and now had others behind him. There would be time enough later to sort out everything entirely; he had an entire life ahead of him, after all.


End file.
